Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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