drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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