I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
