I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
