yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
