I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
