u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My balls are so social today.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
