I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
