Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My dad just said "fuck circus"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
