I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
