I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
