the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
