This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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