someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm like, not good at living.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
