Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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