I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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