dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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