Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
