we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
