when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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