There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
