I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My legs feel like baby dolphins
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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