my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
