you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
