it's too hot outside to masturbate.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
If I die, sorry about rent.
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