hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
