Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
