hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
