The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You ruined the universe
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
