I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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