there's paper in my vomit.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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