Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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