theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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