I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
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He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
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I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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