you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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