I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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