why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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