i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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