I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
