i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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