i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
