the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
