3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
