Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
