no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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