My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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