Apparently you make a good broom.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
