u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
