The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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