so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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