Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
