Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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