hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
