someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.