What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
